I realize I have to shit.
The way I feel when I have to shit is how I feel when I see the girl I like face to face. No, not the girl I think is hot that I would bang with the force of Thor. No, this IS the one. The girl that I see myself holding hands with, feeding strawberries to at Roth Pond during the Roth Regatta. (For those of you who don't attend Stony Brook, it's the girl I see myself feeding strawberries to at the Super Bowl at halftime at midfield, yea...... that's how much Stony Brook sucks when Roth Regatta is your equivalent of the Super Bowl on campus.) This is the girl that I've seen in my dreams. The one who loves me for my shitting ways. Yeah.....this is the girl that's going to be allowed out of the kitchen.
Problem is, I never know what to say to that girl. I know what to say in texts. My text swag is on point. Facebook messaging? That swag was so on point, Mark Zuckerberg's account was bagged. AIM? Not even close, the new function of aim is to aim to get out my bag yo.
Yeah...anyway, I suck. I always screw up when I see the girl I like. Is it because I try too hard? Do I think too much? In my head all I can think of is "What the hell do I say? This was so much easier when I was texting."
Shit. I'm a pussy.
It's hard to be yourself when you're around the one you're interested in. You do everything you can to impress them. And by trying too hard, you make yourself look like a fool. Be calm, cool, relaxed and do what you do best and that's being yourself. The same swag you put in your texts should be the same swag you use to impress them with when you're face to face.
I'm not writing this to give advice to others thinking I'm the love guru. I couldn't bag a Long Champ if I tried. This is more like an entry to see how many people can relate to me and how I feel. I can't help but feel nervous around girls that get me all giddy. I feel like I have all the confidence in the world until I see her waving at me. That's when I get nervous and pretend to be cool. I might grab my balls and walk with a limp (Limp=Swag) or I might say something cute. "Hey baby girl, you look like the marinara sauce I wanna stick my bread stick into." Swag.
Those of you out there, who are with that someone that you feed strawberries to, congratulations. It's not everyday you can find someone to go to Roth Regatta with. Fellas, as much as girls get on our nerves, as much as we hate them, and as annoying as they can get, treat them like princesses. If you're with a girl that makes you feel happy and legit, is annoying only 95% of the time, do everything you can to make it work. Ladies, please understand, expectations in a relationship are so much higher for a guy than it is for you. Cut us some slack. And as politely as I can say, STFU sometimes, it really helps the relationship progress. Compromise and trust each other. Without these two things, no relationship will ever work.
For those of us who are single, just getting out of a relationship or thinking of letting our ballsacks drop by going up to a girl (ladies for the love of God, please do the same if you're interested in a guy but don't let your ballsack drop, that's awkward), understand that everything happens for a reason. Cliche indeed, but the truth is cliche most of the time. When you feel down, just remember there is someone out there for everybody. If this man (click here) can bag her, then yes, there is someone out there for everyone. If you and your partner broke up, more than likely, life has something better in store for you. You never know if today, tomorrow, next week, or next year is the time you bump into someone who makes you want to drop a deuce.
