It's all good when you get that super deluxe railroad set. You know, the one where it climbs over mountains and shit. You thank Santa for the most awesomest gift but how about when you get a measly KIT KAT BAR??!
I was 9 years old and I was a real good kid. I did my homework, I said the Pledge of Allegiance, I even tucked in my shirt. December 25th rolls around and I think I'm going to get this super cool train set that I wanted. Nope, turns out I got a bag full of Kit Kat. Forreal? KIT KAT? I DID ALL THAT FOR KIT KAT? I never forgave Santa for that. I once heard the term "go eat a dick". Santa came to mind when I heard that term.
I love this time of year. People's homes are decorated with colorful lights that cause sporadic seizures. Reindeer come into existence. And most of all, people just seem to be in happier moods. It's a nice time except I have to share my presence on this Earth with Santa Claus, I hate that guy.
How dare that man come to my home through my chimney. That's rude. Oh what, cause he's fat he's allowed to come down my chimney because it's impressive that he can? Oh because he's wearing red, its okay? If a fat member of the Bloods gang came down my chimney, I'm not giving him cookies.
In all seriousness, Santa Claus is a terrible role model. He promotes obesity. He's fat (promotes child obesity), drinks Coke (promotes diabetes), breaks into homes, judges you, is the worlds most notorious slave owner (elves) and calls all women hoe's.
Starting right now, I suggest that all of you reading this become Santa. It's okay if you're fat, you can be Santa too. Go out this Christmas and do what Santa is usually known for, bringing happiness to those around us. Fortunately for me, at least I received a Kit Kat Bar 11 years ago. There are millions of people in this country and billions around the world who will wake up December 25th not wanting a present but something to eat, something to drink and somewhere to sleep.
This Christmas, try to make a Christmas for someone else. If anyone wants to join me, every year I go to the Angels Guardian Home in Brooklyn, NY and give toys to the kids of the orphanage. They can be new or old but trust me, they are appreciated by the children. If not, find a local church and donate canned food to the parish, they will be glad to accept your donation. If you have old clothes, find your closest Salvation Army. They'll accept your donation and disperse the clothes for the upcoming winter. There are bins throughout the city and country where you could drop off the clothes.
Christmas and the holidays around this time in general brings out the best in people. Doing very little like donating one can of food or one old sweater can mean so much to someone else. Show someone else that Santa really does exist, be that person's Santa.
Santa Claus is the biggest dick I know. But he still provides millions with happiness and hoho's. Never mind, he's just a glorified pimp.
From the very bottom of my heart, I wish all of you out there a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Happy Kwanzaa and New Years.
